lonelessness

At last count, seventy-three gremlins are living in my knapsack. This is disheartening for two reasons. One being that gremlins can be both mysterious and mischievous. They can bring down aeroplanes undetected and have been known to throw horrendous surprise parties for the elderly, often involving hookers and heart attacks, not necessarily in that order. However, it is the other reason which is most irksome to my immediate environment. Namely, my knapsack contains my my precious of all world possessions, my raison d'etre, if you will.... You see, deep in the hollow darkness of my rucksack, certain, by now, to be fondled and cuddled in most unholy ways, is my lovely, flaxen-haired dolly, Bernice de La Fontaine.

tony dungy doesn't want to be your role model

hot buttery biscuits dipped in meat grease
tiny thieving nymphs draped in tartan
busty German horselords half-punching honchos
soiled freshman manacles bibbly-barbing spronk
klumb chemiskin fleshing snipped schmangs
borphered bartlers kippering steed chuck roasts

i am sad.

grumpfulness

You may think you're alone, but your neighbor can see you through the darkness as you scream the wrong answers at the contestants on Family Feud. They know better - even better than you - that what you are really angry about is the lack of genitalia on your Ken doll. But, go ahead, don't let it stop you, for somewhere in the top six answers to the question "What item do you most often forget when you leave the house?" there is certain to be the popular choice, "Man Wig."

this is how ladies talk

"Chinos are supposed to have a crease, right? As in, they don't look silly with one?"
"...my mom told me that my grandma used a diaphram as bc...she now has 7 kids..."
"Best way to hardboil an egg?"
"Now I have 'Tyrone' by Erikah Badu going through my head."
"Sorry."
"I sometimes wonder what was taught in some peoples basic sex ed classes..."
"...filling the tub with hot water and bleach to clean it. how much bleach should i use?"

Top 5 People That Fathered Anna Nicole's Child In My Dreamworld

5. A Dirty Siberian Yeti
4. Alexis Arquette
3. Batman
2. Josh Groban
1. God

moderate this, Jim

Allan! When you squeeze me, my belly fills with lust! I could suckle on the chum nipple of the roiling sea and the kibble of so much glumpow chinese juicefoods! Bust in it all on the whish twitch baboon splooge, plum punch dripping off tard lips, gabby! Childbirth is not a far cry from douche.

I love TASTIEness.