need to raise some cash for unnecessary surgery

Things I Wouldn't Do For A Dollar:

1. Dip my whole ass in velvety margarine.
2. Carve my bones into Precious Moments figurines.
3. Drop a hundred baby otters down an elevator shaft.
4. Cuddle with LL Cool J.
5. Dampen my lover with soils and bloods.
6. Dress as Margaret Thatcher for a sex fest.
7. Guzzle alien reproductive fluids.
8. Hang curtains.
9. Piggyback on some hairy fat jerk's squishy shoulders.
10. Levitate.

Things I Might Do For A Dollar:

1. Tongue a penguin.
2. Fashion a turban out of Rosie O'Donnell's long-johns.
3. Saddle an unsuspecting granny.
4. Torture a sinister elf.
5. Carbon date Dick Clark.
6. Date Dick Clark.
7. Step down as princess of Awesomeland.
8. Permanently dye my nipples in the more fashionable colors of the day.
9. Pube braiding.
10. Replace the milk in my own mother's fridge with nacho grease.

Things I Would Definitely Do For A Dollar:

1. Dress in exclusively lacy mangarments.
2. Rub fudge into my eyes and skin.
3. Punt a mutant.
4. Sever the vocal chords of Danny Bonaduce.
5. Find Waldo and/or Carmen Sandiego... and garrote them with a tow rope.
6. Piss vigorously.
7. Eat all of Michael Moore's Entenmann's.
8. Burp some random ladies' filthy babies without using one of them nappy towels.
9. Dump the stupid queen in a mud puddle.
10. Imagine, if you can, Blossom Snakesworthy, a box of lubricated rubber gloves and a mule. I would paint that.