gather round, kids! Raffi wants you to FEEL

"Delmon Curtis! I find your tackling techniques to be grotesque! And your recipe for nutty-butter mud fudge is not only illegible, but disingenuous!"

Gramma Curtis had the sass of a winged wood thrush, and twice the beak. Squat and draped in violet ill-laundered cortinas with a verminous decolletage that would give the unholiest manslut a schoolgirl's blush, she was constantly riddling young Delmon with the sickest of invectives. You see, she was from a different time. A time of suffering, poorly wrought haberdasheries and nothing-if-not-despicable dance club romance circuits. And, lo, she had married a man half-goblin with a penchant for diddling the barn's lowliest creatures.

It had hardened Gramma, nee Bigglesly Chesterton Monksword, leaving her in a state of terrible rudeness. Widowed and hairless, save for the thicket of shock white at her scruff, her piss-and-vinegar tone was shockingly on par with her constant punching and stabbing freestyle assaults. Life handed her lemons and she made grumpy-ade.

Delmon, on the flipside, was portly, jocular and filled with a simple glee oft-reserved only for the fluffiest of retards. His passion was cuddling fawns. His employment: french-braiding the manes of the village's rowdy musk oxen. Simply, Delmon was the envy of everyone who has ever been mercilessly bludgeoned with blunt pipes and those who have found the misfortune of burning.

Usually, he took the berating in a gentle manner, calmly stroking his pet lemon, Muttsy, or, on occasion, grooming his sock fur with a nearby twig. Today, there would be no soft response. Today would be different. His recipe was divine and he knew it, for all the carp in the sea munched tenaciously upon it straight from the oven. [!!!]

A fresh roasting fire bubbled inside him as his face grew dim and guts irascible. Reaching past the ambient twig supplies, he fisted a wad of cowgrass and flung it with a grunting heave at Gramma. It maimed her, tearing her billows in twain, and she waddled off howling like a moondog. It was hilarious.