Special Times

If I see one more eharmony ad, I'm seriously going to pluck my eyes out with a seafood fork. And ears, those will go too. It's that sucknut's mutant voice that really kills me. Besides, the whole idea of compatibility profiles leading to "meaningful" relationships is nonsense. Single people should stay the hell off the internet and spend their time in greasy lounges, dressed in various velvets and leisure polyester, guzzling the latest absurdly colored malt beverage that used to be a cocktail, groping around in the dark for slut numbers scribbled in lipstick. And... AND... they should use one or all of the following pick-up lines, which I have invented and typed below, forcing me to create this explanatory paragraph, which is now mercifully ending.

PIkkUPP LYNZ

Your mane is soft and licy.
Care for a beverage? Because my fluids need adoption.
Is that a boner in your pants, or are you still a lady?
If heaven lost an angel, you must've been the kidnapper.
Be still my heart and defibrillate me, Mr. 911 operator.
Did you just drop this quarter? If I only had another one we could slip out in the back alley and transact.
Your breasts are cleverly placed in your midsection.
I would pen your a sonnet for a single gentle touch of your hand, assuming it was still warm.
I'd delete all the teenage boys from my myspace friends list for you.
Touch my passion hole.