Simply put: Symbiotic

"Totally butt!" she whistled into her grandma's hairy belly. Not even remotely lemony, it felt of moon and cleverly devised Toblerone packaging. Just at that sullen moment, an infinitely menstruating kitten waltzed in, spouting off about meatbows and Devonshire and rippling man limbs.

"Where is Jose Maria Olazabal? And of his flavor, what then?" piddled the grandma, for total butt was a mnemonic for Thomas, Orally Tease Alan Lolly's Luscious Yak Before Unembellished Tanya Tries, the special foreign golfer's finest witticism.

Of course no one could have foreseen what was certainly happening elsewhere at the very moment preceding. Chirping, leftist spouting, custardy colloids and your daddy's pension... it was a wild minute. The kitten began to spank the baby. The baby began to chip at grandma's jaw with a chisel. The chisel began to hurriedly sort through his collection of horse porn.

Mayhem, yes, so much so that not a single one of them noticed Jose tonguing Ms. Yak, such a visual stimuli for all the attendants of the petting zoo.

a poem written by a slut

there once was a bee named jenna
who peed freely upon her antenna
when the tv went blank
and started its stank
she debauched the elderly repairman with a hook

health and wellness

I have been noticing recently that the internet news blips routinely offer suggestions for healthy living (e.g. coffee is good for you, cut down on yogurt, coffee is bad for you). I have really learned a lot. Here, I will share my wisdom with the zero of you who care.

Tips for Healthy Living

1. Gorging on rooster meat will not only cleanse your colon, but will fill you with sexual vigor.
2. Bending forward increases overall blood flow while offering that rare chance to inspect your trousers for signs of your victim's blood spatter.
3. Fighting visigoths not only improves muscle tone and accelerates skin regeneration, it promotes a feeling of oneness with Rome.
4. Babies have excellent immune systems, speedy growth rates and soft skin. Eat more babies.
5. Many animals are covered with thick fur, providing natural warmth and defense. Lather yourself generously with products sold via special tv offers as a form of mimicry.
6. Tennis and golf may provide some cardiovascular exercise, but for the proper workout, engage in activities such as cage-fighting, plowing and chemical warfare.
7. Smoking crack does not have to be hard work. Make it more exciting by listening to the radio or by utilizing the buddy system.
8. The getaway car is lazy man's burglary. Hoof it and feel the calories burn off.
9. Mud baths, skin peels and unguents may improve the overall look and feel of your skin, but there is nothing like nitric acid to remove those unsightly moles and blemishes.
10. A glass of red wine with dinner has been shown to help the heart function better. Just think what 30 glasses would do.
11. Fudge, fudge and more fudge.

Vision: A Play in One Act

"Hey, tons of fun," he squealed at Belinda, unwrapping a tiny treat.

Belinda just sat on her uncle's lap and began to gently puke and wheeze like some kind of trashy ER nurse. It was her way, and it was sullen, honest. The treat was luscious. Marshmallow coated pickle, drizzled in warm mink fur. Belinda wanted it badly, but knew her uncle only too well.

"You smell of raisins and sadness," he burbled as the thin wafers penetrated his meat-brown lips. "I need you to find the secret things which I have lost along the way."

Belinda hopped up onto her hooves and scurried off to seek the Ray-Bans and dill powder ostensibly stowed away in the cupboards and oat bins of the yard. It was also her way to smoke cigarettes. She commenced thence.

How tan her limbs were and twice as long. Sliding her pudge into the crevice of the oat stores, she fumbled in the soft mud until its soft rind found her digits. Plumply, she wrenched the lonely sausage from its resting place and tossed it toward the sunlight. It was the cleanest, meatiest haggis. And just like that, it was guzzled.

Pumping fists and chattering, she returned to her horsefaced uncle and exclaimed, "Doth meat finds me well-pleased, sir!"

Nothing.

And again, "Yonder meat is indeed pleasurable to my palate, good sir!"

Still nothing.

Louder, "Meat finds me well, liege!"

Gently she lifted her uncle's sticky palms, yearning for a response.

None would come. He was deaf now.

On the subject of beef versus chicken teriyaki, I have very little to say.

However, on the subject of dropping business cards into impenetrable plastic boxes slathered with teasing ideas of free Chinese lunches for multiple diners, I do have these sentences:

1. If you do this, and you most likely will not, you will win.
2. What you will win, however, will be a phone call from some meaty-thumbed chump offering your tasty luncheon after a "brief" preamble in which you and your fellow diners will be exposed to the vast wonders of investing, mortgage rates, foreign mountain properties, hair growth products, llama farming, rabid ape handling, save the lemming funds and myriad other costly endeavors.
3. After your investment of eleventy thousand dollars, you will then be allowed to order and eat from the Special Combo section (#77 is divine), blessed by the presence of the aforementioned chump, who win then pay the bill and kick you all in the scrota or corresponding female areas.

I would thusly advise you never to drop your card anywhere. As the old adage goes, "There's no such thing as a special magic kitten that grants wishes with it's curiously textured tongue."

(so that my theme is not compromised, i have made this chinese-tasty-relevant post, though in fact it is impossible to find chinese tasties anywhere, especially at chinese restaurants, horse stables and tinkly kiddie pools)

men (subclass: men)

At last count, upwards of zero people asked for this blog.

I just wanted to make that absolutely clear, you know, before I hightail it into idiocy.

Also, zero people asked me to invest in family-owned thematic toilet boutiques, but it certainly hasn't stopped me from hoping.

How do you tell when a dude is a "man's man"? I have been tossing that little riddle around in my human head for nearly 4 minutes and have come to the bubbling realization that I will probably never know. It's encouraging to discover limitations.

A tall man once explained to me that a man's man, a Man's Man, is a man that has a shapely torso but has heretofore been unconcerned with making it so. Another gent, an eavesdropper no doubt, chimed in with this cryptic phrase, which I will quote here:

"Men's men have holes where there were once windows, taxidermied heads where there were once opossums and emptiness where there were once doughnuts."

If there is a better answer it most likely involves strumpets or cigarillos or motorcycles, but feebleness of mind precludes any further drool-laden keystrokes on this matter.